A Complaint

A year and a half after I signed up for this blog (out of boredom, mostly), I've decided to actually try to use it. Let's see how this goes...

Something I read yesterday really annoyed me, and while it's more than likely that I'm overreacting, I find it rather fitting for a first post, because it reflects the themes which I anticipate this blog will revolve around. The rant which I can feel coming on is about celebrities, celebrity gossip, and my total frustration with other people, and frankly, those are going to be running themes. And so, gentle readers, in the spirit of bitching about everything under the sun, no matter how trivial or uninteresting, I have a serious problem with Star magazine's worst dressed list.

So I was leafing through Star this week, because…well, because I do that. I don't know if everybody is as familiar with this fine publication as I am, but every week, its Worst Dressed list offers up the wackiest and tackiest in celebrity fashion (awesome), with commentary from a panel of "experts" (barftastic). Now, this kind of thing can work really well; in fact, it's in the spirit of one of my most favorite things ever. EVER. But the commentary by this particular group of people is so hideously dull and pathetic, I just can't take it anymore. I HATE how bitchy they are without actually being funny. I hate that they seem to think that making a pun based on the most tenuous of one-word connections to an outfit is the absolute height of wit. And I really hate how they annoy me so hard that I end up sympathizing with the celebrities who really do deserve the mocking.

I don't even remember most of the most recent (caveat: it's surely no longer most recent, as it's been at least a week since I bought it, but it's the newest issue I have) worst-dressed list, so blinded was I by one particular piece of inanity. The copy I have at home features Ed Westwick wearing a polo shirt in a sailboat print and a rather skimpy bathing suit. What follows is a detailed account of exactly what hocks me off about this inclusion:

1. It's clearly a costume. The teeny-tiny trunks and nautical-themed shirt are totally in keeping with Westwick's (awesome) character on Gossip Girl. Chuck Bass' wardrobe is genius in its retro/vintage, Gatsby-inspired foppery, and this outfit fits into that seamlessly. The Fug Girls (seriously, they rule) tend not to make fun of celebs' outfits from photo shoots and the like, since they're not the ones picking out their clothes in those situations. Take heed, Star, because an actor in costume is really, really not the same as a celebrity who doesn't know how to dress himself.

2. I…kind of like it. My opinion might be colored by the fact that I think the Chuck Bass is an amazing character, and that his wardrobe is totally boss. And maybe I want to actually be Jay Gatsby and live among New York's leisure class. Maybe my taste is totally fucked and I'm secretly exactly the kind of asshole who would dress in a nautical theme (I really wouldn't go that far, I swear). But I think bringing back the short bathing suit for guys is really not a bad idea—it has a certain retro appeal, it's not as grody as a Speedo, and I think it's a good look for those who can pull it off.

3. The commentary: beyond moronic. Star only runs a comment or two for each outfit—these are the best they could come up with? "Anchors aweigh"? There is not one goddamn anchor to be found on what Ed Westwick is wearing, and while I understand that this Daphne person is drawing the connection because of the sailboats…come on, now. You only get a few words for your snappy exclamation; why not make sense? Why not make a terrible pun about something that's actually there? "Chuck, sail away!" for instance. And Lady Bunny: "Red, white and bleh!"? Come ON. I would think that a self-described legendary drag queen and diva extraordinaire could come up with something a little more original than a "red, white and [blank]" joke. If your witticisms sound like something an eleven-year-old could come up with, it's time to rethink. And, you know, my personal admiration aside, there are so many mockable things about what Mr. Westwick is wearing. The sailboats, the short shorts, the (intentional!) assholery of the whole ensemble…it's a goldmine, and nobody at Star seems to be able to exploit it except through truly mindless bitchery, which is just a crashing disappointment.

I'm going to be ticked off about this for a while, I think.