Acts of Violence - A Warning
In case my mugshot appears on Gawker or NY1 in the recent future, I want you to have the all facts.
There is a car that's frequently (or maybe always) parked on my block. And its alarm goes off at LEAST once a week. And what's worse, it's not the standard car alarm--you know the one I'm talking about. Despite my abiding love for onomatopoeia, I really don't think I can accurately describe the whole thing; there's a lot of "beep-beep-beep-beep, weee-ohhh wee-ohhh," and the like. If I were dealing with that constant wall of sound, I think I'd be able to tune it out.
Nope. This car's alarm is nothing but little horn blasts, three in a row. Over and over. Separated by a five seconds, just enough time to make you think it's going to be peaceful again, but then..."Honk honk honk." How do I know that it's precisely five seconds? It's happening now. It has been for at least 20 minutes. I was actually able to break out the stopwatch on my cell phone and time it, and by the way: this car is nearby. It's not in the distance, so I can hear it very clearly.
"Honk honk honk." Approximately 4.9 seconds go by, and I think to myself, Was that the last one? I think it might have been, thank GOD it's finally... "Honk honk honk." Oh, you son of a BITCH.
The incessant bouts of honking are driving me, slowly but surely, absolutely insane. I think there's only a limited number of times I can hear it before I grab the heaviest blunt object in my apartment (which, looking around, I'm realizing would have to be the vacuum cleaner, or a table) and finish off the offending vehicle once and for all.
So if you come across one of those outlandish headlines like, "Local Lunatic Attacks Toyota with Dirt Devil; Overheard Ranting 'Where's Your Alarm Now, You Honking Piece of Crap?'" I'd appreciate it if you could bail me out.
There is a car that's frequently (or maybe always) parked on my block. And its alarm goes off at LEAST once a week. And what's worse, it's not the standard car alarm--you know the one I'm talking about. Despite my abiding love for onomatopoeia, I really don't think I can accurately describe the whole thing; there's a lot of "beep-beep-beep-beep, weee-ohhh wee-ohhh," and the like. If I were dealing with that constant wall of sound, I think I'd be able to tune it out.
Nope. This car's alarm is nothing but little horn blasts, three in a row. Over and over. Separated by a five seconds, just enough time to make you think it's going to be peaceful again, but then..."Honk honk honk." How do I know that it's precisely five seconds? It's happening now. It has been for at least 20 minutes. I was actually able to break out the stopwatch on my cell phone and time it, and by the way: this car is nearby. It's not in the distance, so I can hear it very clearly.
"Honk honk honk." Approximately 4.9 seconds go by, and I think to myself, Was that the last one? I think it might have been, thank GOD it's finally... "Honk honk honk." Oh, you son of a BITCH.
The incessant bouts of honking are driving me, slowly but surely, absolutely insane. I think there's only a limited number of times I can hear it before I grab the heaviest blunt object in my apartment (which, looking around, I'm realizing would have to be the vacuum cleaner, or a table) and finish off the offending vehicle once and for all.
So if you come across one of those outlandish headlines like, "Local Lunatic Attacks Toyota with Dirt Devil; Overheard Ranting 'Where's Your Alarm Now, You Honking Piece of Crap?'" I'd appreciate it if you could bail me out.
posted by Nich at
8:08 PM
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