Three Things Regarding Gossip Girl, Extra-Cranky Edition

1. A note to Chace Crawford: squinting for extended periods does not count as acting.

2. A note to Connor Paolo: the occasional use of inflection or volume when you speak would be a welcome change of pace. Gah, worse than Crawford.

3. The way they write Dorota's dialogue is sort of insulting. She's lived in New York for years, I'm sure she's picked up at least a couple verbs along the way. Why do they make her speak like Scooby Doo?

Post-Script. Obviously I'm opposed to anything that leads to Vanessa speaking, or being present. But if she has to have a story, I'm happy it involves Gina Torres. Maybe she'll decide to do some more active parenting by the end of the season:

Sad

You guys, the sandwich I made myself this morning--in the interest of not spending $17 on lunch--is so sad and small. I almost want to go buy a real lunch, set this aside, and wait for it to grow mold. At least then it'll have some substance to it.

Rodents Singing

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox with the family. I'm toying with the idea of a real movie review, but since I mostly liked it, I don't have too much to say--it's full-on Wes Anderson, complete with cute title cards, and awkward dialogue between family members with gobs of unspoken tension. I personally love Anderson's style, so I was almost able to overlook the Daddy Issues storyline that they wedged into the film; although really, between this & Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, that seems to be the standard procedure for turning Road Dahl books into movies. The books are fine on their own, movie dudes! The whole point is that they're whimsical and don't get bogged down in the serious.

But I'm not really here to write about Fantastic Mr. Fox. It's a different movie creature that's bugging me this time, and I've only seen the trailer. For Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel. First of all, that title? Jesus fuck, that is twee. So, back to the movies this weekend: I'm sitting there, watching the Chipmunks trailer, irritated as ever, and at the end, the lady chipmunks do a cover of "Single Ladies." I almost hurt myself rolling my eyes, and to my horror, the people around me started laughing. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Alex. And you, Dad.

Anyway, my damage is that "Single Ladies" parodies are already sooooo played out, there's no room for any more of them. It's impossible for a movie that takes months in production to be more topical than the brilliance available on TV & online, so I can't really blame the Chipmunks crew...but that movie looks fucking stupid, so I don't care. Here are three riffs on Beyonce's "Single Ladies that are exponentially more amazing than those rodents.

Clip One, featuring the lady herself.

Clip Two, reveling in cognitive dissonance.

And Clip Three, whose title just says it all.

What I Think About Gossip Girl. Again, Some More.

I missed a sizeable chunk of Gossip Girl last night, since my aunt called for a State of the Family sort of discussion, so I’m really going to keep this short.

That play looked effing dumb, and I don’t think it would have been any better if I’d seen it with the sound on. Was it about a gang of midget rappers who aspire to be the next Fantanas?

Blair’s hovering near the right track. I don’t understand why she’s not attempting to transfer to Columbia or another Ivy, but if she’s sticking with NYU, she should be devoting her efforts to building a base of loyal gay followers who will gush over her fabulousness and proclaim her Queen of the Village. Providing Lady Gaga is a solid start.

So Serena’s complaining to Nate about how she's afraid she's about to get involved with a married man, as if that were something that could just happen to her. Here’s a tip, Serena: to stop that from happening—just fucking don’t do it! That reminds me of a great moment from Friends, when Ross & Rachel break up (the first time); he’s all, “It was an accident!” and Rachel amazingly shoots back, “What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?” I hope Aniston used that one on Brad.

(Also pretty fantastic: Phoebe’s response to the whole exchange: “Where did he put it?”)

Meanwhile, am I crazy, or is there pretty decent chemistry between Serena & Tripp? At least way more than she ever had with Dan "Too-Busy-Thinking-Important-Things-to-Be-Happy-Like-EVER" Humphrey. Anyone else up for making this his permanent nickname? Maybe it needs an additional clause about how judgmental he is to everyone, despite having slept with goddamn Georgina.

Bitches

I'm really irritated by this commercial. Scroll to about 23 seconds in--what is wrong with these bitches? Dogs have sensitive ears--quit screaming in that teeny puppy's face!

Wish Fulfillment

Something freaky is going on with the universe, because I am getting what I wish for all over the place. I already pointed out how one of my proposed Gossip Girl plots came to pass this week--and I just realized that I came pretty darn close to predicting the 2010 Oscars hosts. I was searching for an old email today and came across a GChat from just after last year's Oscars (Feb. 23, 2009). I quote my reaction:

me: hugh jackman did a fine job, but next year? i want fey & martin

Unfortunately, I did not entirely get my way, and Tina Fey won't be sharing hosting duties with Steve Martin (even though they presented together brilliantly last time). But I got it half-right, and in fact, I'd venture 75% right--since Fey's costar Alec Baldwin is going to be sharing the hosting duties. And most of the goodwill he's built up in the wake of the crazy voicemail to his daughter is a result of 30 Rock, where he says funny things that Tina Fey writes for him, so I'm claiming this as a victory.

Maybe I should try my hand at the lottery this week...

Brief Thoughts on the Latest Gossip Girl

Firstly: YUCK, Lily--did we really need to hear about Rufus' "natural rhythm?" Ew, ew, ew, ewwwwwwww! I am banishing both of you from television until you think about what you've done and resume the acceptable position of parents on teen television shows. Which is total obliviousness about your children's activities and whereabouts at all times--even if you happen to be the parent of a vampire slayer. Seriously, how freaking out to lunch was Joyce Summers to not notice that Buffy never spent one night of her high school years at home? (Disclaimer--I'm only through Season Two so far, right when she gets a freaking clue & kicks Buffy out. Is this when she realizes she has another daughter hiding in the house somewhere?)

Serena's "cute," "down-to-earth," "aren't-I-adorable?" laugh needs to be shot in the face.

Quick flashback to last week, which I didn't write about because it was pretty solid: I'm totally baffled by the choice to have Maureen van der Bilt be the person behind the "drowning" scandal. If we're never going to hear from her again, then it was a really weird and random decision, wedged into the episode just to give some kind of resolution to the mystery of who--if not Old Dude van der Bilt--set up the scam. Which: did we really care that much anyway? And if it was the first step in character development for Maureen? Auuugh! Do we really need to add another tertiary character to the scandals & intrigue? Between Georgina, Scott, Vanessa, and some other randos I'm surely forgetting, there are enough pointless idiots out there causing trouble in random fashion. We don't need another one.

I have to admit, Vanessa actually made me laugh a little with her descent into Endless Knights geekitude. She should be restricted to exactly that role. Just don't give her any more real plotlines. As for the threesome, Gossip Girl has once again proved that its bite is a hell of a lot lamer than its bark. Another "sexy" scene sanitized to a few quick kisses just to have something to shout about in the promos. I'd say the writers let us down by not making the threesome Chuck-Blair-Nate, but from the ad for next week's show, it's clear that Nate has more sense than to get tangled up in that freak show. Although, didn't Season One's Lost Weekend involve at least ten guys? Seems like Chuck wanted a bit more...intimacy with his buddy Nathaniel this time around. I'm just saying.

Oh, hold the fuck on, Serena--the Captain allows Nate to visit him in prison, and that makes him super-sweet? What about the part where he was going to have his own son take the blame for his cocaine possession? (That happened, right? I think even Nate forgot the time in his life when he had parents.)

And finally. HA! I totally called the brilliance of a Blair/Eric unholy union. Buck up, Eric--Jonathan was totally a Debbie Downer. Don't apologize, don't be the bigger person. Embrace the dark side. Be like Blair.

Erm...did I say something about a "brief" post?

Addendum, a few hours later. I just noticed that the title of this episode is "They Shoot Humphreys, Don't They?" Oh, if only.

Another Cranky Response to Project Runway

I really thought last year's Project Runway was the bottom of the barrel. Yikes. I was wrong. This season has brought us nothing but black/gray/brown sad sack designs, a constantly shifting judging panel that only highlighted the fact that nobody in fashion wanted to stay in LA for longer than absolutley necessary, and some truly baffling decisions by the judges. I absolutely do not understand what Althea's appeal is. To me, her designs always look poorly-fitted and -constructed; I thought they were baggy & bunched up messes, to say nothing of her poor model, who spent the entire season with her chest unsupported.

What really hocks me off, though, is that she skated through the last challenge with a dress that clearly got the most negative response out of anybody. I've really enjoyed Gordana as a person more than as a designer, but her look got great reviews this week--it really seemed like the judges had already made up their minds, because based on the feedback that she and Althea received last night, it is inconceivable that Gordy would be the one to get auf'ed. And if that's the case--why bother with the challenge at all? Why waste an hour of my life with a task that's rendered completley pointless at the whims of the Klum-Seal? I mean, Wendy FUCKING Pepper spent the entire first season at the bottom of the pile, then whipped up one marginally non-awful dress that happened to appeal to Nancy O'Dell, and skated by to Fashion Week, while the eminently creative Austin Scarlett had to pack up his hair rollers and go. If one decent week was enough to save Wendy FUCKING Pepper (and yes, I always refer to her by her full name) over Austin's weeks of consistency, it should have been enough to save Gordana. Who, by the way, is nowhere near as awful as Wendy FUCKING Pepper, because really--who could be?

OK, a little levity so I don't feel like such a grouch--the preview for next week, with Carol Hannah feeling seriously ill, made me laugh a little. Not at her, at the reactions of her competitors:

Tim Gunn: Carol Hannah's sick, poor thing.
Althea & Irina: [overly sweet, clearly insincere] Oh noooooo...
Tim Gunn: It's contagious.
Althea & Irina: [dead serious]: Oh, nooooo.

The humor probably doesn't come across in writing, but the complete 180 they both do, instantaneously & simultaneously from trying to appear sympathetic, to feeling utter dread is fantastic.

Troll

I might take some time later to catalog a list of specific offenses, but while I only have a moment, let me just say this:

Jon Gosselin should not be allowed in public. His asshattery is a hazard to anyone within a two-mile radius.