This Is What's Really Important To Me

The crowds (and the crowds consist entirely of Christine and Kiki, but they are a vocal minority) are clamoring for bitchy sniping, and I feel compelled to deliver.  So tonight I present an exercise in utter frivolity—a commentary on the copy of OK! that I picked up at Union Station on my way back from DC this weekend.  I don’t have the patience to look for photos online, so I advise you to head to a newsstand and grab the October 20 OK! if you hope to keep up.

Page 3: Nicollette Sheridan is “Still hot at 44!”  Whatev.  Call me when she’s Helen Fucking Mirren.

Page 16: The caption reads, “Pop star Britney Spears picks up sons Sean Preston, 3, and Jayden James, 2, from school.”  The picture shows Brit with…one child.  I know, I know—the other one’s just out of frame, but still.  The discrepancy between photo & caption makes it look like Britney’s back on the crazy train, and that amuses me.

Page 18: Jonas Brothers.  I don’t get the appeal.

Page 19: George Clooney, caption reads, “What’s with the ‘stache?” and for once OK! and I are in total agreement.  Pick up a razor, George.  Even if this is for a movie, it’s really not OK.

Pages 20 / 21: Angelina with her litter on the left, Gwen & Gavin with their son on the right.  Seriously?  Looking at the side-by-side comparison, I think G&G and Kingston are totally cuter.  Both women are wearing oversized sunglasses, and Gwen’s pair absolutely kicks Angie’s ass.

Page 21: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson look like assholes.  Surprise.

Page 23: Emma Bunton & Geri Halliwell.  I have this theory that Baby Spice is balding.  Who’s with me?

Pages 30 / 31: Who Wore It Better?  This poll is so stupid.  The winners are always, always the girls with the biggest breasts.

Page 32: More Gwen and Gavin, and I still think Kingston is among the cutest of the celebrity children.  Shiloh looks like an alien, or a pufferfish.

Page 37: Skechers ad, featuring Bachelorette couple Trista & Ryan, plus their kid.  Oh, shit.  This one could take me a while.  There are so many things that piss me off about this.  Trista and Ryan are not that famous, or that good-looking that people are clamoring to see more of them.  They’re not the fug, obviously, but I think you need to be over-the-top gorgeous in order to excuse a substandard ad, which this is.  The clothes they’re wearing are blah, Ryan isn’t even sitting up straight, and…where are they?  Ryan is on a dismal gray couch, and they’re in front of a weird, patchy, pale-blue backdrop.  Did they shoot this at fucking Sears?  Honestly, people, if you’re doing a campaign for a fairly major brand, spring for a real photographer and a nice house or something.

Page 39: 5 DWTS Sex Scandals.  #2 and #3 respectively feature Mark Ballas and Derek Hough with…women.  I call bullshit.

Pages 42-47: Cover story – Jamie Lynn & Casey, who sound disappointingly sane.  I mean, not smart or anything, but they don’t answer the questions like assholes.  Oh, except Jamie Lynn’s answer to the question about having more children: “You’re way ahead of yourself on that one!”  Because, duh, she’s totally breastfeeding and can’t get pregnant right now!

Pages 58 / 59: Two page spread on perfumes.  Is there really a point, when it’s just pictures of the bottles without samples?

Page 60: How does Leighton Meester do her hair?  I don’t care, really, but I wanted to point out that she’s in here.

Pages 62 / 63: “How to Look Tall and Slim.”  First picture?  Blake Lively, who is actually a giantess (OK, 5’10”, not ridiculous, but it is model height).  So the answer to the problem is…just be taller, I guess.

Page 73: Dita Von Teese kicks ass.

There’s some other stuff, too, but I really have no interest in Lipstick Jungle or the fashion involved therewith, Debra Messing’s trying-too-hard self, or two pages about Boston and Ellen Pompeo.  Shit, I couldn’t get through two sentences of that last one.