Eternal Stupidity

I've been catching up on Lost through Netflix, and at this point I'm very nearly up to date. One or two more episodes, and I'll be ready to watch the new ones as they come. I just have one question about this show...or rather, several questions that all tie back to one big bafflement.

Has John Locke been right about anything...like, ever?

I find him so irritating, because he's absolutely convinced that he knows the right way to do things, that this or that stupid thing is his destiny, that things are meant to be this way. And then it all gets shot to shit.

"Oh, Boone has to climb to the plane I saw in my vision...shit, he died."
"Oh, I have to push this button all the time, for it is my destiny...shit, it's pointless."
"Oh, I know. This time, I'll refuse to push the button; that'll show 'em! Shit, everything's exploding."

And people still listen to him! They still treat him like he's an authority figure, as they do Jack (who at least is useful as a doctor), but really they're just a couple of sulking assholes with daddy issues. Maybe the last few episodes of Season 4 will prove me wrong, but my advice to any Lostaways looking for somebody to follow?

Sayid. Dude kicks ass (can kill people with his thighs!); he's one of the few people who demands real explanations rather than muttering pointlessly about the island and destiny and oh-I'm-so-tortured (pun honestly not intended); and, my word, does he ever look good in a tank top.

Out of the Way, Mofos.

OK, I've been working up to a rant lately because those assholes on the streets of Manhattan on have been ticking me off.

Once again I've been reminded that I'm apparently impossible to please. Because in DC, I was constantly irritated that there wasn't an inch of room to step off the curb while waiting for a red light to turn. In New York, I'm happy to be able to comfortably take a step off the curb without getting slammed by oncoming traffic, but I'm clearly not the only one with that bright idea.

Honestly, walking to & from work every morning, I get stuck waiting at a red light at every freaking corner. Fine; whatever. I can work around the whims of whoever controls the traffic lights (I suspect it's a gnome or dwarf living in a cave in Central Park). What really hocks me off lately is the fact that while I'm waiting for a light to change, about six or seven people step out into the street in front of me--some of them walk to the middle of a two-way street and stand on the double-yellow line as cars whiz by in both directions, looking like assholes. One day I'm going to see someone get hit, and I swear on all that is good and holy: I will laugh. Hard. Until I realize that the resulting mess is just one more thing in the way of my speedy & expeditious commute.

That's not the worst of it, though, because other people's stupidity certainly isn't new and doesn't really hamper my ability to have a good day. But when people crowd around in front of me, and then--when the light turns green--take their sweet motherfucking time strolling across the street, so that I'm forced to go at their pace? Fuck me, that's irritating. I find myself tripping on the heels of the impatient idiots who think that they're actually faster than I am.

A note to pretty much everybody in Manhattan? You're not. So stop cutting me off.

Something That Is Awesome - 1/22

I got a Wii for Christmas, and it's super awesome. I have yet to acquire Mario Kart, which is one of my all-time favorite games, but I love the Sports (except for fucking baseball, which is just awful), and certain parts of the Wii Fit are entertaining--I enjoy the skiing games and the rhythm boxing, although I don't appreciate when it makes rude comments about me. No, Wii Fit, I don't find myself tripping over my own feet...all that often.

Also surprisingly awesome? Lego Star Wars. I got this one at my boss' recommendation, and it's one of those horribly addicting things that can eat up pretty much a whole evening. And I'm a sucker for any Mario game, so Super Mario Galaxy is pretty sweet in my book as well.

So if you also have a Wii, let me know, and we can do the extra-dorky thing and play against each other online. I haven't actually tried that yet, so I don't know how it works, but I am eager to test my Mario Kart mettle against other people.

Five Movies I Have Absolutely No Desire To See – Number Five.

Five Movies I Have Absolutely No Desire To See – Number Five.
Yes Man.

So this seemed a lot more current when this series of posts was but a twinkle in my eye. Apparently (for once), my tastes have somehow synced up with those of the American people, and as a result, the ads for Yes Man disappeared off my television almost instantaneously. That doesn't make this movie's mere existence any less heinous.

Jim Carrey? You made this movie already. Over a decade ago. It was called Liar, Liar the first time around, and it was moderately entertaining in a cute, average sort of way. Yes Man looks absolutely tired, boring, and unfunny.

Way to blow all the goodwill you earned with The Truman Show, Man on the Moon, and Eternal Sunshine, dude.

Quickie #6

I'm pretty wiped, so I'm putting off the last movie until tomorrow or the weekend. For now, a thought of profound importance. The new Real Housewife? This Lynne character?



Totally looks like Steven Tyler.

Five Movies I Have Absolutely No Desire To See – Number Four

Five Movies I Have Absolutely No Desire To See – Number Four.
The Arrested Development Movie.

No, I'm totally kidding.

I am super-pumped for the Arrested Development movie that's apparently in the works, and nothing could possibly keep me away...in theory. There's just one thing that worries me, though, and it's that there's apparently one hold-out on the cast who won't sign on for the movie. And rumor has it that it's recently independently famous Michael Cera.

Everybody on Arrested Development is talented and crazy funny, so losing any of them would be too bad. But most of the characters are so batshit crazy that you could plausibly dump one or two of them and write it off with some wacky excuse. Tobias is at Carl Weathers' stage fighting camp; Lindsay & Lucille are back in rehab...anything, really.

George Michael provides the sanity and normalcy that helps ground the show, though, so I'm worried that this movie won't live up to its absolutely kick-ass potential without him. If Michael Cera is too much of a diva to do this movie, the only feasible option as I see it is to go way over the top with ridiculousness in casting and get the other George Michael to play the part. You know, the singer-songwriter. (Double bonus points and my undying affection go to anybody who gets that reference.)

Five Movies I Have Absolutely No Desire To See – Number Three

Five Movies I Have Absolutely No Desire To See – Number Three.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

So I’m including this one somewhat reluctantly. I’ve heard positive reviews from my parents as well as my cubicle neighbor, and I think Cate Blanchett (odd-looking though she may be) is pretty damn talented. But there are four things that bug me about this movie.

1. Brad Pitt. Enough already. I’ve renounced my membership on Team Aniston, but I’m still irked by Brangelina. They’re freaking everywhere, and I can’t stand to look at either of them anymore. This is totally unfair in that their tabloid ubiquity has no bearing on their acting abilities, but I’m sick of them and really have no desire to watch 159 minutes of Brad Pitt, especially if he spends significant portions of the movie looking old and gross, which totally misses the point of being Brad Pitt.

2. The Plot. I know it’s based on a story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, who is awesome, but the whole premise strikes me as silly. I know, insight into the human condition and how we think about age, blah blah blah, what if we changed our perceptions…it’s dumb! What if somebody lived backwards? Yes, it would be very different and difficult, but so would it be if we had pine cones for ears. It’s way too implausible to hold my interest.

3. 159 freaking minutes.

4. The Oscar Movie. This is sort of a Catch-22, but I really have a hard time getting into the movies that are basically requesting an Academy Award. The movies that make serious, dramatic pronouncements about how profound their stories are, and how subtly sophisticated their actors are, and aren’t we just so precious? Obviously, being an Oscar contender means a movie must be pretty good, but when they strike me as being totally transparent in their efforts to get the little statue, I really can’t be bothered.