Five Things I Hate About Football

OK, I totally spaced about posting Something Awesome this Thursday, but honestly, complaining is my strong suit, so I'm going to stick with that for the time being.  In that spirit, I present to you: Five Things I Hate About Football.  These aren't in any particular order, since my hate for football is total and unwavering.

1.  I hate that football games last so damn long.  The very act of watching football is such a fucking upheaval.  You have to cut out three hours of your day just to watch one game—and it never seems to stop there.  Football enthusiasts take all of Sunday to hog the television, and it's painfully dull.  I fail to understand how a game that moves at such a glacial pace has so many fans.

2.  I hate football because of a lousy college experience with it.  OK, I have school spirit, honestly I do.  Hoya Saxa!, etc.  When it comes to Georgetown basketball.  I really don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that playing in the pep band for football was an ordeal.  The first few games were disgustingly hot and humid, the last few were freezing cold, and it always seemed to rain in between.  To top it all off, our team sucked, which made sitting through the games all the less interesting.  I remember this one time, when we got two touchdowns?  It was exciting for a minute.  And then about a week later, the game ended.

3.  I hate the total lack of cuteness in football.  Every other sport produces players whose athleticism really works for them.  Most professional athletes look toned and slim in a way that is…most appealing—and that applies to men and women alike.  Tennis players look good.  Soccer players look good.  Baseball players look good.

Football players look like Shrek.  [I will allow that this is not exclusive to football; weightlifters and female shot putters also suffer from this phenomenon.]  And in the event that a football player is at least moderately attractive, he gets all padded up and hidden by a helmet, and everybody ends up looking the same.  Boooring.

4.  I hate that football fucks with my TV.  I'm referring primarily to The Amazing Race, which is the only show I watch on Sundays.  Football games never seem to end when the schedule says they're supposed to, so 60 Minutes gets pushed back, and then the Race isn't on until who-the-fuck-knows-when.  I have no problem recording the show—or I wouldn't, if I just freaking knew when it was going to be on!  It's really annoying, just like when I was in elementary school, and PBS telethons would interrupt and cancel Ghostwriter.

Plus, football is on all day.  It wouldn't bother me, except that I don't have executive control over the good TV in my house.  I would really rather spend my Sunday watching a marathon of Top Model or whatever other nonsense is on VH1, but my preferences are constantly vetoed.  In fact, my dad is—at this very moment—taking the remote away from me to put on football instead of Celebrity Rehab.  And Celebrity Rehab rocks my socks.

5.  I hate that I seem to be totally in the minority on this.  This whole country really seems to enjoy football.  It seems almost impossible to avoid hearing about football or running into people who really fucking care about it.  Maybe it only seems ubiquitous to me because it's on every weekend in my house (the same goes for my freshman year dorm), but my issue with football goes way beyond a lack of interest.  I actively dislike it, and it makes my Sundays a very bitter experience for me, and for those who hear my endless stream of complaints.