Chemistry

Have you seen the commercials for Chemistry.com? The ones with couples making dopey, shmoopy promises to each other? You know, “I vow never to wear pajamas” or “I vow to do chores around the house in exchange for oral sex” or whatever. Well, here’s mine:

I vow never to do the Half-Run of the Asshole.

For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, it’s really nauseatingly prevalent on the streets of New York and in Grand Central. It occurs when a commuter is worried about catching a train or bus, or running afoul of a red light. It most frequently occurs to people crossing Park Avenue, which (due to the island in the middle) effectively involves crossing two streets in rapid succession. And when certain people start to worry that they’re not quite going to make the light (or the train, bus, whatever) if they walk at their normal pace, they engage in the Half-Run of the Asshole.

It’s a bizarre, bouncy little trot that’s barely faster than walking, but there’s something about the kicking motions and strident arm-swinging—usually only of one arm, mind you—that convinces these people that they’re really moving quickly. In truth, they just look like assholes and get in my way.

So that’s my vow. When I’m running late, I will walk quickly, or I will haul ass running, but I promise—to my friends and to any prospective paramours—that I will never, under any circumstances, engage in the Half-Run of the Asshole.