Five Things I Hate About Football

OK, I totally spaced about posting Something Awesome this Thursday, but honestly, complaining is my strong suit, so I'm going to stick with that for the time being.  In that spirit, I present to you: Five Things I Hate About Football.  These aren't in any particular order, since my hate for football is total and unwavering.

1.  I hate that football games last so damn long.  The very act of watching football is such a fucking upheaval.  You have to cut out three hours of your day just to watch one game—and it never seems to stop there.  Football enthusiasts take all of Sunday to hog the television, and it's painfully dull.  I fail to understand how a game that moves at such a glacial pace has so many fans.

2.  I hate football because of a lousy college experience with it.  OK, I have school spirit, honestly I do.  Hoya Saxa!, etc.  When it comes to Georgetown basketball.  I really don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that playing in the pep band for football was an ordeal.  The first few games were disgustingly hot and humid, the last few were freezing cold, and it always seemed to rain in between.  To top it all off, our team sucked, which made sitting through the games all the less interesting.  I remember this one time, when we got two touchdowns?  It was exciting for a minute.  And then about a week later, the game ended.

3.  I hate the total lack of cuteness in football.  Every other sport produces players whose athleticism really works for them.  Most professional athletes look toned and slim in a way that is…most appealing—and that applies to men and women alike.  Tennis players look good.  Soccer players look good.  Baseball players look good.

Football players look like Shrek.  [I will allow that this is not exclusive to football; weightlifters and female shot putters also suffer from this phenomenon.]  And in the event that a football player is at least moderately attractive, he gets all padded up and hidden by a helmet, and everybody ends up looking the same.  Boooring.

4.  I hate that football fucks with my TV.  I'm referring primarily to The Amazing Race, which is the only show I watch on Sundays.  Football games never seem to end when the schedule says they're supposed to, so 60 Minutes gets pushed back, and then the Race isn't on until who-the-fuck-knows-when.  I have no problem recording the show—or I wouldn't, if I just freaking knew when it was going to be on!  It's really annoying, just like when I was in elementary school, and PBS telethons would interrupt and cancel Ghostwriter.

Plus, football is on all day.  It wouldn't bother me, except that I don't have executive control over the good TV in my house.  I would really rather spend my Sunday watching a marathon of Top Model or whatever other nonsense is on VH1, but my preferences are constantly vetoed.  In fact, my dad is—at this very moment—taking the remote away from me to put on football instead of Celebrity Rehab.  And Celebrity Rehab rocks my socks.

5.  I hate that I seem to be totally in the minority on this.  This whole country really seems to enjoy football.  It seems almost impossible to avoid hearing about football or running into people who really fucking care about it.  Maybe it only seems ubiquitous to me because it's on every weekend in my house (the same goes for my freshman year dorm), but my issue with football goes way beyond a lack of interest.  I actively dislike it, and it makes my Sundays a very bitter experience for me, and for those who hear my endless stream of complaints.

Bleirngen

Oof.  Happy hour with colleagues was pretty awesome, but I'm not feeling coherent enough to really process this week's awesome thing (which I have already planned, and which is, as some might say, 'how very').

A few things that are awesome & require no explanation to hold you over until my brain is hydrated once again:

margaritas

Clive Owen

chocolate

the fact that apparently my dad snuck into a shot of this week's SNL Weekend Update Thursday

Clive Owen

my dog & cat

Clive Owen

Not so awesome?  Jen & John apparently back together.  Oh, FUCK THAT.  If this is true, I'm officially no longer a member of Team Aniston.  The only way she can redeem herself now is to have seven of Clive Owen's babies.  (And the Safari spell check doesn't recognize "Jen" or "Owen's"?  WTF?)

Ridiculousness

I'm annoyed.  Try to contain your shock.

This poster for Zack and Miri Make a Porno was banned in September by the MPAA for being too suggestive and replaced with this stick-figure version.

Because apparently the mere suggestion that consenting adults might engage in oral sex is too shocking for the public to handle.  Whatever.  I hear news like this, and I roll my eyes and move on with only a few bitter complaints.  Or I did, until I saw this poster for Saw V on the side of a New York City bus.

Oh my God--this freaks me the fuck out.  I'm completely grossed out by the Saw movies in general, and I'd prefer that the nauseating repulsiveness remain contained.  I will watch the movies, but I like knowing that images like this will stay where I know to expect them and not pop up now and then in my everyday life.  I seriously did not need to see that dude during my morning commute.  Especially since it took me a moment to realize exactly what's going on in the poster.  I did a terrified double-take and probably spooked a few tourists.

So apparently the lesson to be learned about our culture is: joking about blow jobs is shocking and unacceptable, but wearing somebody else's face is just swell.

Something That Is Awesome 10/16

I’ve already discussed this at length with most of the people who read my blog on a regular basis, so this might seem redundant.  I don’t care.

Britney’s video for “Womanizer” is awesome.

The song is pretty good.  It gets a little boring in places, and the chorus is just the title of the song repeated about…46 times.  Again, though: catchy.  Almost infectious.

And then there’s the video.  Dude.  I think our Brit could be back, for realsies.  She’s naked all over the place, and she looks damn good*, I have to say.  And it can’t be all airbrushing, right?  Right?  And even better than looking amazing and dancing her ass off, Britney actually looks like she knows where she is!  She’s not just walking in front of the camera with her mouth open, waiting for producers to put the words in.

Plus, I really can’t get enough of the line, “You say I’m crazy—I got your crazy.”  Oh yeah, Britney.  You’ve got all the crazy, and that’s why I love you.  I am a constant optimist, to a fault, when it comes to the inimitable Ms. Spears (i.e. NOT Mrs. Popozao), so I’m excited about this awesome video.

*Speaking of naked and looking damn good.  The titular womanizer?  Oh my.  Excuse me for a moment while I rewind to minute 2:54 in the video…several times.

Quickie #5

So Leanne apparently won Project Runway. That's cool, and it proves my point that the second challenge was some stupid bullshit that didn't evaluate who was actually talented. Leanne & Wesley were at the bottom because their stupid models picked shitty fabric.

Something Awesome to come this evening.

This Is What's Really Important To Me

The crowds (and the crowds consist entirely of Christine and Kiki, but they are a vocal minority) are clamoring for bitchy sniping, and I feel compelled to deliver.  So tonight I present an exercise in utter frivolity—a commentary on the copy of OK! that I picked up at Union Station on my way back from DC this weekend.  I don’t have the patience to look for photos online, so I advise you to head to a newsstand and grab the October 20 OK! if you hope to keep up.

Page 3: Nicollette Sheridan is “Still hot at 44!”  Whatev.  Call me when she’s Helen Fucking Mirren.

Page 16: The caption reads, “Pop star Britney Spears picks up sons Sean Preston, 3, and Jayden James, 2, from school.”  The picture shows Brit with…one child.  I know, I know—the other one’s just out of frame, but still.  The discrepancy between photo & caption makes it look like Britney’s back on the crazy train, and that amuses me.

Page 18: Jonas Brothers.  I don’t get the appeal.

Page 19: George Clooney, caption reads, “What’s with the ‘stache?” and for once OK! and I are in total agreement.  Pick up a razor, George.  Even if this is for a movie, it’s really not OK.

Pages 20 / 21: Angelina with her litter on the left, Gwen & Gavin with their son on the right.  Seriously?  Looking at the side-by-side comparison, I think G&G and Kingston are totally cuter.  Both women are wearing oversized sunglasses, and Gwen’s pair absolutely kicks Angie’s ass.

Page 21: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson look like assholes.  Surprise.

Page 23: Emma Bunton & Geri Halliwell.  I have this theory that Baby Spice is balding.  Who’s with me?

Pages 30 / 31: Who Wore It Better?  This poll is so stupid.  The winners are always, always the girls with the biggest breasts.

Page 32: More Gwen and Gavin, and I still think Kingston is among the cutest of the celebrity children.  Shiloh looks like an alien, or a pufferfish.

Page 37: Skechers ad, featuring Bachelorette couple Trista & Ryan, plus their kid.  Oh, shit.  This one could take me a while.  There are so many things that piss me off about this.  Trista and Ryan are not that famous, or that good-looking that people are clamoring to see more of them.  They’re not the fug, obviously, but I think you need to be over-the-top gorgeous in order to excuse a substandard ad, which this is.  The clothes they’re wearing are blah, Ryan isn’t even sitting up straight, and…where are they?  Ryan is on a dismal gray couch, and they’re in front of a weird, patchy, pale-blue backdrop.  Did they shoot this at fucking Sears?  Honestly, people, if you’re doing a campaign for a fairly major brand, spring for a real photographer and a nice house or something.

Page 39: 5 DWTS Sex Scandals.  #2 and #3 respectively feature Mark Ballas and Derek Hough with…women.  I call bullshit.

Pages 42-47: Cover story – Jamie Lynn & Casey, who sound disappointingly sane.  I mean, not smart or anything, but they don’t answer the questions like assholes.  Oh, except Jamie Lynn’s answer to the question about having more children: “You’re way ahead of yourself on that one!”  Because, duh, she’s totally breastfeeding and can’t get pregnant right now!

Pages 58 / 59: Two page spread on perfumes.  Is there really a point, when it’s just pictures of the bottles without samples?

Page 60: How does Leighton Meester do her hair?  I don’t care, really, but I wanted to point out that she’s in here.

Pages 62 / 63: “How to Look Tall and Slim.”  First picture?  Blake Lively, who is actually a giantess (OK, 5’10”, not ridiculous, but it is model height).  So the answer to the problem is…just be taller, I guess.

Page 73: Dita Von Teese kicks ass.

There’s some other stuff, too, but I really have no interest in Lipstick Jungle or the fashion involved therewith, Debra Messing’s trying-too-hard self, or two pages about Boston and Ellen Pompeo.  Shit, I couldn’t get through two sentences of that last one.

Something That Is Awesome - 10/9

This is not late! Not because of me, anyway. My computer was having some issues last night, and I couldn't post this, but I tried! I really did, so: not my fault, this isn't really late.

Diesel is having an awesome one-day sale on jeans today. It seems to be in honor of their thirtieth birthday, hence the Dirty 30 and 30-euro jeans.

What does that translate to for those of us whose economy is crumbling into an unrecognizable mess of dust and the occasional cockroach? Fifty bucks. Totally reasonable for any decent jeans, and for Diesel? That is an out-of-control awesome discount. I've never shopped there before, specifically because it's usually retarded expensive, but I might just take a long lunch today to investigate.

Something That Is Awesome - 10/2

Now, I don’t want to send my legions of loyal readers over to another blog, but I think Tomato Nation is awesome.  It just so happens that awesome blogger Sarah Bunting is running a contest to raise money for a buttload of worthy charities, and that’s pretty sweet, but it’s by no means the only positive aspect of the site.  Not by a long shot.

A few awesome attributes:

The blogger: Sarah Bunting (a.k.a. Sars) was one of the co-founders of TelevisionWithoutPity.com, née MightyBigTV.com.  TWOP was one of my absolute favorite things about the internets for a long time, offering witty, acerbic recaps of the best & worst that television had to offer.  It’s declined in quality over the past couple years, since its acquisition by Bravo and the departure of the founders, but I have very fond memories of the years of awesomeness it enjoyed.  And it provided the impetus that brought me over to Tomato Nation in the first place.

The Vine: Advice columns usually suck, but this one makes me smile every time.  Sars’ advice is blunt and no-nonsense, without ever veering into Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura assholery. 

The N.C. Double Scoop: An NCAA-bracket-style tournament to determine which ice cream flavor rules supreme, via reader voting.  I voted conscientiously round-by-round, and I am proud to say that my personal fave came out on top.  Mint chocolate chip is better than you, and now there’s proof.

This post about cats and a Roomba.  I’ve been dreaming about getting a Roomba ever since I read this (They’re almost $300 at the absolute cheapest!  Who the fuck knew?).